Bit of a stumble

Man, just one day after being blessed with a great attitude, and a great day of studying, I hit the biggest wall of the last 3 weeks.

After lunch, I didn't run back to the library like I normally do. I sort of just sat around not doing much of anything until Ashley called. Then when I got to the library, I saw the wind on the waves, and let it knock me down a bit. I got caught up with how much I had to do and freaked. This got me stressed out and grumpy again. To make things worse, today's BarBri topics were boring and the professor was like Ben Stein.

I stayed in the library until it closed at 10 and drove home in a bit of funk.

When I got home I just stared up at the lightning storms. Then I realized that God created EVERYTHING, including me. He put his own fingerprints on the world, on every single person in the world, and that includes me. Somehow that thought gave me comfort.

An exciting side note: we (Regent students in the VB BarBri class) started a prayer group that will meet starting on Monday. This truly does make me happy knowing that we'll be there to support each other in prayer.

Bar Exam Beard

Since I'm pretty much a shut-in (in the library at least), I figured I might as well look like one.

Here's me at graduation (with a delicious baby octopus):




And here's me today (via my cell phone):





It's a humble beginning, but I hope to have a squirrel nest on my face by the bar exam. Ok, not really, but I'm still going to have some fun with this. I have to keep myself entertained somehow. I'll also take suggestions for how I should shave it off. I'll do it in stages and rock some cool mustaches before shaving it all off.

The Chronicles of Hysteria

As many of you know, I am currently studying for the Virginia Bar Exam. While I have only been studying for about two and a half weeks, this has already been the most exhausting and trying time of my entire life. In the last several weeks I have done more reading, note taking, outlining, and stressing than I have done in my entire 7 years of higher education combined.

I have decided that taking the time to document my experience may serve as a way to relax, and perhaps as a way to encourage myself and others.

Studying for the bar exam (successfully) requires anywhere between 8 and 12 hours of studying at least 5 to 6 days a week. I quickly learned that "studying" doesn't have the same meaning as it did in undergrad (or even in law school). In law school, I had at most 4 or 5 subjects per semester to study for. Knowing the professors, and what was covered in class, I had a great idea of what would be tested. This made it simple to focus my studying, which (in retrospect) simplified how I studied, and cut my general studying (or cramming) down. I was able to cram just a few days (sometimes just a single day) before a final exam and do reasonably well enough on the curved exam to get a grade worthy enough to post on the fridge.

The bar exam covers well over 20 topics, the universe of information required for those topics includes anything remotely related to them (as opposed to what the professor taught in class), and all of it is fair game.

I've found, that at least early on in the process, studying for the bar exam changes a person in a way that I can only relate to the way Hollywood tends to portray a somewhat psychotic pregnant woman. I have found myself very irritable. I think of myself as an easy going person in general. Lately I have been irritated by the slightest things. I've gone through extreme mood swings without provocation. I will go from hours of extreme happiness (even mania) to suddenly feeling like I'm drowning (literally) due to stress and hopelessness. I've even found myself feeling strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and even hate towards people that I absolutely love. Thankfully I have kept this mainly to myself since I generally lock myself in a study room at the library (with the exception of my poor fiance, Ashley, who has very lovingly dealt with me).

So, what is one to do while studying for such a tremendous thing?

Continue to pray and stay in God's word.
For a short while I got away from this, thinking that I didn't have time. But, if you don't make time to spend with God, I've found that you lose your center of focus. Tasks seem much bigger than they truly are. Praying and staying in God's word reminds you of God's promise for you. It reminds you that no matter what, God has a plan and a purpose for you. No matter how much or how hard you study, if failing is something God had intended for you, you will fail. But, we tend to think the story ends there, but rest assured that it doesn't (you just need to turn the page).

Today I read Matthew 14:22-33, where Jesus walked onto the water and the disciples thought he was a ghost. Jesus invited Peter to walk out onto the water with Him, and Peter does it! This is a huge accomplishment in itself, right? But what does Peter do? It says that Peter saw the wind (or rather, its affect on the big waves) and became afraid. Then Peter started to sink.

You see, I think sometimes I tend to take my focus off of the One who is calling me and inviting me to step out onto the water, and I focus on the scary tasks and consequences that I have before me. I start to sink in my own self pity and anxiety.

But the very next line in Matthew says that Peter cried out to Jesus for help, and Jesus held out His hand to Peter. Then they safely walked back into the boat together. After this comes the most important part (in my opinion): the disciples realized who Jesus was and began to worship Him.

Yesterday was a very tough day for me. Today I was blessed with a fantastic mood that has held up all the way through lunch (I personally believe someone out there is praying for me). Now, I'm faced with two options: step back into the boat with the One who has comforted me and recognize who He is, or simply ignore this huge (and much needed) miracle. If I choose the latter, I am doomed to sink again the next time I am distracted by a formidable task, and I may forget to grab the hand that's been extended towards me.