"Give me neither poverty nor riches, but give me only my daily bread. Otherwise, I may have too much and disown you and say, 'Who is the Lord?'"

I've been reading through The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborn lately during my breaks. Man, what an eye opener...and a great way to keep things in perspective during this rough time (Ha! I say rough, but I'm fully clothed with a full belly in a nice air conditioned study room in the library).

Well, some of you know that once (sometimes twice) a month I go volunteer with PIN Ministry down at the ocean front. It started out with just feeling good about myself because I stuck a spoon in a dish and put some veggies or chicken on a paper plate in front of me without making eye contact with the person holding the plate. Eventually I started bringing an acoustic guitar and hanging out with the smokers outside. I don't smoke, and I can't stand the smell of it. But hanging out with those guys (and gals) and having a good time by playing some old rock and roll songs really does light up some faces (theirs and mine). Good times for sure.

Well, now I'm realizing that once (sometimes twice) a month is not truly loving your neighbor. I don't think I know what that truly means. But I want to figure it out.

After the bar exam, I plan on heading out. Where? I don't know. But I may bring someone with me if they are interested. I want to just hit the road in any random direction with no luxuries but my guitar, my Bible, a camera, tent, and a smile (maybe a GPS...haha...). I want to discover how to love strangers and how to be loved by strangers the same way that Jesus could love prostitutes and tax collectors, and even a rich young man who just wasn't quite ready to accept Him.

I hope to blog and chronicle the trip; with the hopes that once it has all been said and done, God will reveal His glory through the eyes of the people I meet. (Oh, one last thing: I have to admit that when I pictured this in my head, I sort of had a vision that it would be like the tv shows Renegade, A-Team, and Quantum Leap...where I would be helping people everywhere I went. Except, I wouldn't be on a motorcycle, or in a sweet van with Mr. T, and I'm not hoping that the next leap will be the one home.)

The niceness of new-ness

Went for a change of pace today and asked Ashley if I could study at her parent's house. Instead of being surrounded by drab colored walls and stacks of legal books, I'm in a screened in patio surrounded by the sounds of goats head butting each other, birds chirping, and the occasional rain shower. I'm looking out at the beautiful green colors of early summer, and I just saw one goat get on top of a stump and LEAP head first in order to head butt the other one. That was pretty sweet!

How is this affecting my studying? I've done about 4 essays, reviewed a ton of topics, and still have plenty of energy to do more. I love mixing it up. Especially when this is one of the options.

Beard update

I figure I can only tell the difference if I have a visual storyboard to follow. So I'm chronicling the growth of my beard until I decide to shave it in late July.

Also, on an unrelated note, I've realized that I retain a lot more when I am happy while studying. So feel free to send me funny stories, jokes, prose, life reflections, adages, etc. to keep me entertained during my desperation breaks.

Mustard Seed

As I said in my previous post, last week ended pretty roughly for me. Sunday was such an amazing blessing of a day though. The day started out by leading the church in worship, then by getting to have a meal with my dad and Ashley (which has been a rare occurrence as of late due to this exam), then by heading out to PIN Ministry at the ocean front to hang out with some cool people, and ended by walking the boardwalk/going out to eat with some friends. I couldn't have asked for a better way to replenish my weary soul.

I would have to say that the best blessing didn't come until this morning just before BarBri class. A fellow alum suggested that we start a prayer group. I was able to send facebook messages to those students who had graduated from Regent, and this morning we met outside of our classroom to encourage one another in prayer. The part that inspired me the most was when I made an announcement to the class (full of people I've never met before) about the group and invited anyone who was interested to join us outside. Two people, whom I have never met before, decided to join us. I'm sure the time in prayer was a blessing for them, but for me their presence was the greatest inspiration. It reminded me what this is all about in the first place. It's not about passing, or studying the hardest. It's about faith.

I realized that last week, when I was feeling stressed or apathetic, I would throw up a quick "Hail Mary" prayer. Something along the lines of "DearGodPleaseHelpMeStudyAmen." Then I would open my eyes and expect a miracle to happen. And, of course, I would still be as sullen as ever with the mounting workload in front of me.

Today, I'm comforted knowing that the disciples had the same problem. In Matthew 17:14-20, a man asked Jesus to heal his son. The man said that the disciples weren't able to heal him when they tried. After Jesus healed the boy, the disciples asked why they weren't able to do the same. Jesus tells them, "Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you."

A faithless prayer gets a faithless response. Sometimes...ok, often, I find myself praying without the belief that God can accomplish what I'm asking for. How silly is that? Ha! God created everything...in 7 days, mind you...and I don't believe He can answer MY prayers? Jesus tells us to give faithful prayer; to realize that if we honestly know that God can accomplish what we're praying for, our asking is just a formality.

Bit of a stumble

Man, just one day after being blessed with a great attitude, and a great day of studying, I hit the biggest wall of the last 3 weeks.

After lunch, I didn't run back to the library like I normally do. I sort of just sat around not doing much of anything until Ashley called. Then when I got to the library, I saw the wind on the waves, and let it knock me down a bit. I got caught up with how much I had to do and freaked. This got me stressed out and grumpy again. To make things worse, today's BarBri topics were boring and the professor was like Ben Stein.

I stayed in the library until it closed at 10 and drove home in a bit of funk.

When I got home I just stared up at the lightning storms. Then I realized that God created EVERYTHING, including me. He put his own fingerprints on the world, on every single person in the world, and that includes me. Somehow that thought gave me comfort.

An exciting side note: we (Regent students in the VB BarBri class) started a prayer group that will meet starting on Monday. This truly does make me happy knowing that we'll be there to support each other in prayer.

Bar Exam Beard

Since I'm pretty much a shut-in (in the library at least), I figured I might as well look like one.

Here's me at graduation (with a delicious baby octopus):




And here's me today (via my cell phone):





It's a humble beginning, but I hope to have a squirrel nest on my face by the bar exam. Ok, not really, but I'm still going to have some fun with this. I have to keep myself entertained somehow. I'll also take suggestions for how I should shave it off. I'll do it in stages and rock some cool mustaches before shaving it all off.

The Chronicles of Hysteria

As many of you know, I am currently studying for the Virginia Bar Exam. While I have only been studying for about two and a half weeks, this has already been the most exhausting and trying time of my entire life. In the last several weeks I have done more reading, note taking, outlining, and stressing than I have done in my entire 7 years of higher education combined.

I have decided that taking the time to document my experience may serve as a way to relax, and perhaps as a way to encourage myself and others.

Studying for the bar exam (successfully) requires anywhere between 8 and 12 hours of studying at least 5 to 6 days a week. I quickly learned that "studying" doesn't have the same meaning as it did in undergrad (or even in law school). In law school, I had at most 4 or 5 subjects per semester to study for. Knowing the professors, and what was covered in class, I had a great idea of what would be tested. This made it simple to focus my studying, which (in retrospect) simplified how I studied, and cut my general studying (or cramming) down. I was able to cram just a few days (sometimes just a single day) before a final exam and do reasonably well enough on the curved exam to get a grade worthy enough to post on the fridge.

The bar exam covers well over 20 topics, the universe of information required for those topics includes anything remotely related to them (as opposed to what the professor taught in class), and all of it is fair game.

I've found, that at least early on in the process, studying for the bar exam changes a person in a way that I can only relate to the way Hollywood tends to portray a somewhat psychotic pregnant woman. I have found myself very irritable. I think of myself as an easy going person in general. Lately I have been irritated by the slightest things. I've gone through extreme mood swings without provocation. I will go from hours of extreme happiness (even mania) to suddenly feeling like I'm drowning (literally) due to stress and hopelessness. I've even found myself feeling strong feelings of jealousy, anger, and even hate towards people that I absolutely love. Thankfully I have kept this mainly to myself since I generally lock myself in a study room at the library (with the exception of my poor fiance, Ashley, who has very lovingly dealt with me).

So, what is one to do while studying for such a tremendous thing?

Continue to pray and stay in God's word.
For a short while I got away from this, thinking that I didn't have time. But, if you don't make time to spend with God, I've found that you lose your center of focus. Tasks seem much bigger than they truly are. Praying and staying in God's word reminds you of God's promise for you. It reminds you that no matter what, God has a plan and a purpose for you. No matter how much or how hard you study, if failing is something God had intended for you, you will fail. But, we tend to think the story ends there, but rest assured that it doesn't (you just need to turn the page).

Today I read Matthew 14:22-33, where Jesus walked onto the water and the disciples thought he was a ghost. Jesus invited Peter to walk out onto the water with Him, and Peter does it! This is a huge accomplishment in itself, right? But what does Peter do? It says that Peter saw the wind (or rather, its affect on the big waves) and became afraid. Then Peter started to sink.

You see, I think sometimes I tend to take my focus off of the One who is calling me and inviting me to step out onto the water, and I focus on the scary tasks and consequences that I have before me. I start to sink in my own self pity and anxiety.

But the very next line in Matthew says that Peter cried out to Jesus for help, and Jesus held out His hand to Peter. Then they safely walked back into the boat together. After this comes the most important part (in my opinion): the disciples realized who Jesus was and began to worship Him.

Yesterday was a very tough day for me. Today I was blessed with a fantastic mood that has held up all the way through lunch (I personally believe someone out there is praying for me). Now, I'm faced with two options: step back into the boat with the One who has comforted me and recognize who He is, or simply ignore this huge (and much needed) miracle. If I choose the latter, I am doomed to sink again the next time I am distracted by a formidable task, and I may forget to grab the hand that's been extended towards me.